I loved deeply, and lost

I wrestled over the last few days on whether or not I should share my miscarriage story. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to, for other moms out there.

I got pregnant with my son in 2012 within just a few months of trying, had an easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, just reflux towards the end and then he was here!

In September of 2015 while on a camping trip I found out I was pregnant. Over the moon and so excited for my son to have a sibling, the excitement was instant. I began doing all the “right” things, drinking the boat loads of water, taking my vitamins, and eating better. October was our first appointment. Scott and I went together hand in hand ready to see our little peanut. The ultrasound tech began her examination.. the room was silent. The longer she stared at the screen without speaking the sweatier my hands got. Within a few minutes she excused herself and stated she would be back. At that moment I turned to Scott and told him something was wrong.

She returned with my OBYN and they started the ultrasound again, Dr. Scott at that moment started speaking.. it was like an episode of Charlie Brown. I heard nothing.

She showed us to another room and started explaining our options. She hadn’t seen heartbeat, and the growth was not on track. We were asked to come back in a week to confirm. That week felt like an eternity, I prayed, begged and cried. The following week we went, and I just “knew”.  We never saw our baby. Sometimes I think that was best and sometimes I feel like it would have helped the healing.

That Friday we were back for the D&C. It was fast, they “knock you out” take you back, bring you back into the recovery area and you go home.

Once we were back home, I fell asleep immediately.

That night during the middle of the night is the first time I let myself feel. I woke Scott up crying and we laid there, him holding me until I fell back asleep. That was how the next few nights played out. Waking up during the middle of the night with the realization kicking in.

I quickly realized that I would have to make myself function.

I went back to work, and made myself dive in. For months that’s what I did. Focused solely on what was in front of me.

Scott and I didn’t think about a baby and didn’t really discuss what the next step would look like. We just keep saying when we were ready we would know.

Without trying and to our surprise in August of 2016 we found out we were pregnant. The moment the pregnancy test flashed “Pregnant” I began to worry and was scared. We again went to our appointment hand in hand and I laid there silent, again while the tech began the ultrasound. Then, she turned the screen and showed us Macee. She turned on the audio and we heard her heartbeat for the first time.

I sobbed.

It was the most beautiful sound.

As mothers we fall in love with our children the moment we know they are in our bellies.

Time has made it easier, but I will never forget.

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